me making eye contact: oh no……. this feels wrong….. this feels very wrong………. but this is what normal people do right?? right????? is this polite? no this is far too intimate. i feel so intrusive. am i doing it wrong??? am i doing eye contact wrong?? oh god i can’t hear what they’re saying anymore i’ve just been thinking about staring them in the eye for 5 minutes straight. im dying
in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y'all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!
With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?
ex. “You’re such a good listener. You’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. You’re always there for me. You always hold me down. You’re reliable”
vs.
“You’re so funny! You’re very vibrant. You’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. You’re optimistic. You’re so talented at ____” , etc. I think that’s very telling.
Ok quite a few people have been confused about this post (and have hyper focused on the word compassionate to discuss). OF COURSE being compassionate and reliable aren’t bad things. They’re beautiful! But if we break down the core of the post, it’s not about that, it’s about service. Like I said in the very beginning when talking with my therapist, she didn’t say those were bad qualities, she said they were ways of to serve others. That’s all they are. I’m merely comparing two sets of terminology, not breaking one down over the other. We’re taking these terms and seeing what they denote.
Being of service is beautiful. Yes, there’s a give and take in relationships (I’ve seen like 40 of you mention this lol). All true. It’s just not what I was discussing at all. I think one analogy more of you might understand for this is when a lot of mothers say they’re frustrated because it’s forgotten that they’re actual people, and not just moms. Of course motherhood’s a huge responsibility and if any of you derail on that I’m not addressing it lol, but it’s the type of thing where your mom/a mom takes 15 minutes for herself to fill her cup (metaphorically) before serving her family. Or like realizing, hey, my mom’s really intelligent. She’s a good singer. She’s got a cool taste in books because yes you KNOW (ideal situation) that she’s selfless and super generous all these awesome things, but it also helps when you get older to recognize core fundamental parts of her that don’t revolve around her family. Does this put it into perspective more?
I’m saying that 1. you shouldn’t hold your self value in all of the work you can do for others. By that, I mean it denotes thinking that hey people will like me because I can/will do all of these really nice, emotional things for them is centering your worth and the relationship/friendship/connection over what you can do for them. I’m not talking about reciprocity either, yes relationships need that and no I’m not bringing it up because it wasn’t the point of this post and I don’t want to derail it. I am not saying it’s bad or unimportant to be reliable and compassionate, etc!!! I’m literally saying that one set of terms refer to a state of doing while the other refers to a state of being. If you ONLY base yourself off of what you can do to please or help people, and the ONLY nice things people say about you are terms that refer to how much you DO for them (again, so I’m not saying haha don’t be compassionate, be evil!! I’m literally saying these are words of labor, that’s all), that may signify issues rooted with how you see yourself and how others see you.
Reminder that libido and sexual attraction are separate things.
Libido and sex drive refers to how much and how often your body wants sexual release.
Sexual attraction is wanting to have sex with and/or being aroused by a specific person.
You can have a libido and still be asexual. In fact a lot of asexuals do.
“Yeah, Wilson played first table on the chess team, Chester used to start crying every time he heard a sad song, Dan can really rock a cocktail dress and six-inch heels, and I wasn’t going to let anyone give them any shit for any of that. So I had to learn to beat up people bigger than me pretty early on.”
This is my new favourite post. Whenever there’s a female character who fights, it’s always because she’s learned from older male relatives. I’m gonna print this post and put it on my wall bc it gave me new hope for humanity.
